My Journey So Far…

This past weekend, I abruptly saw the end to a friendship that I thought would always last and all over a minor misunderstanding.

I had been supporting my priest friend for years now, always praying for him, sacrificing and also sending him money when he needed it. I recently heard that some of the money went to purchasing a car and a new expensive cell phone for him. I was startled to hear it and actually inquired through an organization that is also assisting him. They in turn forwarded my inquiry onto Father( which they shouldn’t have – it should have been kept in confidence). It turns out I was mistaken and did not have all the facts in the matter.

Well, Father got upset about it and sent me a scathing, mean spirited and very hurtful e-mail calling me a betrayer. I was so shocked by this. When I responded, he again said I had betrayed him and would not even accept my apology( even though I didn’t feel that I did anything wrong). I again responded with an apology which he again rejected.

Then I started to think about it.

Father was there for me at a time years ago when I needed to rediscover my Catholic faith. And I will always be grateful to him for that. But, I spent too much time needing his approval on my life and not enough time seeking God’s approval. Yes, he provided me with encouragement and guidance but I did the same for him. And now it is time to step back from this friendship and move on.

If he is not willing to forgive me, then I guess our friendship wasn’t what I built it up to be. If the situation had been reversed, I would have forgiven him at the first mention of an apology. And I was tired of begging for forgiveness from someone who obviously was not open to it and was not acting at all like a Christian priest should be.

God puts people in your life at certain times to guide you , and then just as quickly, He takes them out. So, I move forward knowing that God is with me and that I will carry on just fine. And now that the sting has worn off a little, I feel better. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I don’t have to earn his approval as being a holy person: I have God’s love and approval already.

The painful parts of our lives move us into a closer relationship with Our Lord and God. So, Lord, thank you for putting Father in my life when I needed him and thank you for moving me forward now with Your grace and blessings. I wish Father well but I can carry on without him, knowing that I have God and don’t need anyone’s acceptance to do the Lord’s work.

I have a lot of conflicted feelings. At work, I actually like what I do, but I hate the high stress/high pressure of it all. I am the type that puts out fires for everyone else. It’s either a situation of not knowing or a situation of not planning ahead.

I work with some people that do not have the work ethic that I do. And I resent it. No, I am not perfect. But I think that if you are getting paid to do a job, you should try to the best of your ability to do just that. There are many who just do nothing or make it appear that they are working and are not. And there are those that just think they are ” too important” to do some tasks. So, I really resent it.

At home, I am always needed because my husband is disabled and needs help and the kids always need help. So, my stress at home is high at well.

My confliction is this – should I do as God wants me to and turn the other cheek, or is it wrong to feel stressed and pressured?

I have to believe that no matter what I am feeling, God is with me. He will get me through the situation even when I am stressed. He always gives me whatever graces I need to come through it OK.

So, God, be with me now. Help me to not feel so pressures by this world and to live to get to Your world.

Did you ever have a moment in your life when things are not going well for you. And then all of a sudden, you hear a beautiful song. Boy, does that change your mood!

As I was listening to Christmas music, I realized what a gift music is to us. God provides us with the melodies of our lives. A certain song can bring back happy or sad memories. It can pump us up for the big game or remind us of a certain person or place.

Music is truly a gift from God. He gives us performers who share their God given talents with us. When you hear that certain song, you are transformed and at times, are filled with joy. The Lord wants us to live in His joy and music is just one way to get there.

Lord, thank you for the music you provide to us to make us happy and joyful. You are the true melody of my life

Lately, I have had a lot going on in my life and just feel overwhelmed. I know everyone has felt this way in their lives. And it’s at these times in the past when I would pray to God and know that He would help me in the struggle.

But I have not felt His presence at all lately. I just don’t feel it.

I read the Magnificant magazine every morning and evening with the Scripture passages for the day. But these past few weeks, the words have seemed empty. I don’t get any meaning from them and I don’t feel that God is with me. Why has He abandoned me in my time of need?

I went a few days purposely avoiding all things Catholic. I didn’t read, I didn’t pray, I didn’t watch Mass. I fought with myself to stay away from the things of my faith. Obviously, that didn’t work.

What did work for me is going to Confession.

I went to Confession on Saturday and just told the priest all that I was feeling and not feeling. He was so compassionate with me. He told me that in these spiritual dryness periods, I have to pray harder still even if I didn’t “feel” God’s presence. That is so hard to do, isn’t it?

I felt so much better after Confession and so relieved. I started to pray and read again and now the Scriptures are making more sense to me. I still don’t feel His presence, but I know I am on the right track again. Hopefully, soon I will know that God is with me. God is always present; it is we who choose to be detached from Him.

During this holy season of Advent, make time to go to Confession. Thank God for this wonderful sacrament and feel cleansed and ready to receive Our Savior on Christmas Day.

When do you forgive and when do you hold a grudge?

Jesus said that you are to forgive seven times seventy times. You are to turn the other cheek and forgive as Christ would forgive you.

But, how practical is that in today’s world?

There is someone in my life that has a very overbearing personality. The reaction I get is always anger first, understanding afterwards. I have known this person for over 30 years and over that time, I have been called every name in the book including some that are not very complimentary. In fact, most people would have dropped this person years ago.

The other day, I was again called a very derogatory name for no reason and it was at a very stressful time for me. It was the last straw. I just can’t take the hurt anymore even though I know in my heart that it wasn’t really meant.

Am I to forgive?

It is in these moments of hurt and pain that I should remember that Christ forgives me no matter what I do. He loves me unconditionally and always forgives me if I am truly sorry. If I say something that I don’t really mean, Jesus forgives me. He knows me and knows that I am a flawed human being. So, I need to remember that in dealing with this person in my life. I need to forgive.

Christ, give me the strength to forgive this person. Heal my hurting heart and help me to get past this yet again and forgive. Be with me and this person. Don’t let my feeling dictate how I treat others. Let me see in the example of Christ’s love for me how to in turn love and forgive others.

In Christ’s name I pray. Amen

Lately, I have had a lot on my plate and more was piled on this week. My son is having an issue with so-called “friends” that are leading him down a bad path. My husband has recently been having problems accepting his disability that he has had for about 2 years now. He is now retired and on certain days, he can’t accept that he can’t do as much as he used to. And that it all falls on me now to do for him.

I can’t do much more than I am now.  How much more does God expect me to handle? I just can’t do it.

No, I can’t, but with God, I can do all things. And it is in these times that I think about Job. He was an amazing person. He suffered so much loss and personal pain, yet he continued to believe in God and His mercy for him. What an incredible example of holiness for me to follow!

But, can I be that holy? Yes, because everyone is called to holiness by God. Maybe I won’t suffer the personal losses that Job did, but I can try to accept what God has put in my life presently.

It is extremely difficult for me on a daily basis to do all the things that I am responsible for due to the current situation. I do it because I have to, but there are many days when I just hate the way my life is right now. And I am not shy in telling God exactly how I feel about things because I know He cares ( and He knows anyway!).

I pray and talk to God regularly in the  hopes that my relationship wiht Him will grow each day. And Job is someone that can guide me and make me have hope when all seems hopeless. Job had great faith in God and His plan for his life. And Job was rewarded for his faith and patience. I want God to know that I am trying the best that I can to do what He wants me to do. And if it means that I have to have a hectic life right now, so be it. God is with me in all things. God wants me to succeed and if I have the patience and faith of Job, God will provide for me.

Lord, thank you for the great example of Job for my life. Let me always remember that You are with me in all things. Lord, You are my reason for living and I thank You for Your mercy and compassion for me, a weak imperfect human being.  I surrender my life, problems, happiness, success, failures, joys, sorrow and suffering to You.

Lord, You are my reason for living. Let me live my life according to Your Will.

How About Me?
Lately, I have been feeling really stressed and that no one cares about my struggles. My husband talks every day about his pains and how he feels , but when I try to tell him about my pain, he continues on with his story. It’s not that he doesn’t care; it’s just that I think he feels his situation is worse than mine. And in some ways, it is. But, I have feelings too.

My physical pain is hard to describe to others. I can’t explain how much it actually hurts every second of every day. I try to keep busy so it doesn’t interfere with my daily routines, but it does. I wish that once, just once, I got a sympathetic reaction to my suffering from someone, anyone. I just want anyone to know that I exist and that I am in pain. Pain!

God knows what I am going through and He is always with me in my suffering and daily struggle. I know that. But again, I wish I felt His presence in all of this. There is a reason that I am suffering that is known only to God. I don’t want to let God down by not accepting this cross and carrying it. And I worry about that. I know I have to carry my cross in order to attain Heaven some day. I am doing a terrible job presently at that.

Everyone puts demands on me all day long. I get up at 6am so I can wake my daughter up for school. I make coffee for my husband and walk the dogs for my daughter. I take my son to college since he doesn’t presently have a car. I go to a highly demanding job where others depend on me as well all day long, not just in my department, but campus-wide. I come home for lunch every day just because my husband expects me to. After work, I do the errands, shopping, laundry and running around that my husband can’t do, even though he is home all day long! I teach CCD and go to church meetings once in a while. And, I even squeeze in some hours at the gym when I can, but that is also becoming hard to do.

Stop the world! I want to get off!

I need more “me” time. I do go to the gym but it’s getting to be yet another thing I have to do. I need to get back to the gym being for me and the enjoyment of it. Lately, I have not felt that way. Even when I take a break and watch a game, my daughter is always at my side, wanting to talk or play. I love her dearly but I need the alone time.

Lord, I know you are aware of my struggles. Help me to be more compassionate and generous even though my time is limited at the present moment. I want to live for You and serve others. Help me with my physical pain and let me suffer for You. Amen.

I learned a hard life lesson today. Even when you think you know someone well, you just never know.

When I was hurting, God sent 2 people into my life to comfort me. I will not use their real names here – let’s just call them A (mother) and B (her daughter). They were very nice to me and prayed for and with me and just made me feel a lot better about my stage in life at that time. They seemed very “religious”, especially B who has some medical issues and seemed to pray often for me and others.

Over the course of about 3 years, we have kept in touch although they don’t attend my church anymore. We would call, e-mail , send cards, etc. Everything was fine.

We also had a person in common who we were friends with and meant a lot to us, a priest friend who is an amazing, holy priest. We would ask each other on occasion “Have you heard from Father lately?” and keep each other abreast of his situation.

Well, this week, the friendship all fell apart.

Our priest friend is on leave of absence and has been called by God to a special mission in the area of exorcism. He has been counseling a woman who claims to be possessed and has decided that he wants to pursue this avenue of the priesthood more. He truly feels called by God to do this and I support him 100%, even though to some it sounds a little crazy.

I am in contact with Father quite often and B is not. I really think she is jealous of our relationship because Father contacts me and not her. Anyway, B asked me yesterday about a million times how Father was. I gave her an update but didn’t tell her everything because some of it is confidential.

Well, B hit the roof! She claimed that Father was purposely telling me not to inform her. She said that she can discern the situation and that I can’t. She claimed pretty much to have special “gifts” from God that I didn’t.  Well, I was really surprised by her disrespectful and rude behavior toward me. What a hypocrite.

The definition of a hypocrite is “a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, esp. a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.” Bingo! How dare she come off as holier – we are all the same in God’s eyes.

So, after a few sharp worded e-mails, I decided that I had had enough of this. I told her that I didn’t want to be contacted by her and that she needed to do what she had to and I was going to do the same. I also said that I would pray for her and that God would un-harden her heart and if she wanted to keep praying for Father, that was fine. She responded by saying that I shouldn’t tell her who to pray for!

Unbelievable!

I really thought B was a holy person, full of Christ’s love and compassion. But I have come to see that B is just out for herself. She has an inflated opinion of her religiousness and claims to have a closer relationship than anyone else to God. I felt bad about the way it all ended but it had to be done.

I hope that God can help me through this hard period and He can provide me with the grace to release my anger at B. She is young and has a lot to learn about treating people and life in general. I hope God can show her the way.  I need to follow God’s call for my life and that includes what I do and whom I love and support. No one can tell me otherwise.

So, Lord, help me in my time of need. Release my anger and let me forgive B for her actions. May God be with B and her family and may she in time learn to accept other’s opinions without malice.

So, as I was complaining that my friend didn’t acknowledge my monetary gift, I received a note in the mail from him thanking me. Boy, I can be so impatient at times. I think it’s the world we live in – everything is so immediate. So, of course, I feel like a fool now.

I have had some trouble lately accepting my pain and dealing with it. Yesterday, I was again feeling sorry for myself and told my husband about my pain. His reaction was to tell me about his aches and pains. No sympathy there. So, I went outside feeling neglected, in pain and suffering, and kind of lost.

As I looked up, I saw dark clouds in a tornado-like appearance and in the “eye” of it, a bright stream of warm, comforting sunlight. Ah, God is so good! It was just the sign I needed to know that He is in control. As long as I let  Him handle my adversities, all will be fine.

Lord, thank you for again showing me that You are in control. Help me to learn to be patient and accept my suffering as Your gift to make me holier.